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Kidnapped

19/09/2016 - Book 5, Reviews
Kidnapped

Script: Jim Woodring & Justin Green

Art: Francisco Solano Lopez

Colours: Chris Chalenor

Lettering: Clem Robins

Cover illustration: Kilian Plunkett

 

 

Synopsis

A group of smugglers find a batch of eggs, one of which is infected with a deadly virus.  They sell the egg to a friend who runs a restaurant of exotic food.  The egg impregnates a television presenter who is going to a pleasure planet owned by a over-sexed businesswoman.  The chest-burster rampages on the planet releasing the virus.  The authorities swing into action, determined to stop the virus spreading they launch a series of nuclear strikes on the planets involved.

Review

Ok I’m going to have a little fun with the review today and see if I can get through it without swearing which promises to be quite difficult as this story is so f***ing awful!!!……..     Dammit!!!
Ok straight off the bat, there is nothing about this story that I like, I wouldn’t rate this as a comic in its own right, as an Aliens story it’s even worse. The plot appears to have been written by an randy 13 year old; it’s that bad! Why, or how, could someone want to eat an Alien egg and why doesn’t someone just shoot the infected guy?  None of the characters are even remotely likable and those that I think we’re supposed to like are bland and two dimensional. The Alien part of the plot is also bollocks, it has been established fairly clearly in the films that the chest-burster will go and find somewhere to hide and grow into a full-sized Alien, but in this tale it’s off on an adventurous murder rampage!!!!
The artwork, whilst competent enough suffers from the same issues as the plot; that it appears the same horny 13 year-old was in charge! Every female is drawn like a porn star, with massive breasts popping out from figure hugging outfits. Another issue is the aesthetic feel of the Aliens Universe has literally been thrown out of the window by the artist. The beginning of the story does feature some stylistic similarities to the Aliens universe, but this is quickly swept away by what I can only describe as some of the most ridiculous design I’ve seen. Whilst reading this story I realised this stylistic ignorance of the source material had affected other stories in the series, such as the Music of the Spears and Horror Show. Perhaps this is a symptom of employing jobbing artists or those who simply don’t give a crap. Design choices just seemed utterly ridiculous, like the outfits of the security team on Celeste for one, which would look more at home in a ‘Right Said Fred’ video!
While researching for this review I was stunned to discover this story was not written by the wank-happy nephew of the Dark Horse Chairman, but experienced writers! One of them, Jim Woodring penned one of the best stories I have reviewed; Labyrinth, he must have been having an off week or something….

I kept wondering whilst reading this series, is it supposed to be funny? Am I missing something? Then I realised that it probably is but I found it just plain cringe-inducing.  So there we have it, I honestly didn’t think that Dark Horse could produce a worse series than Earth/Female War, but here is the proof that they could and did. I hope that all those involved are properly ashamed of themselves.

One thought on “Kidnapped

Ian

The phrase ‘wank-happy nephew’ doesn’t appear often enough in reviews.

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